A-Dizzle or Dizzlita (dizzlita) wrote,
A-Dizzle or Dizzlita
dizzlita

I WROTE HIM A FUCKING LETTER!!!!

So now I feel vulnerable . . . here I am trying really hard to accept my vulnerability. I am afraid to be laughed at. That's it. I realize the lunacy of myself and I just don't want him to laugh at me. Tomorrow he'll probably read the letter. What will happen next? What do I want to happen next? Who gives a fuck - - what I want to happen won't. No use in doing all that analysis to find out that what I want I can't have. The letter isn't bad or anything. In parts its really nice, really real, and at other times really cheesy. But it's honest. There. Think of that. Honesty is stronger than vulnerability. No one wants to be vulnerable, right? That's admitting you aren't strong. It shouldn't mean that. It should create an appropriate balance. So - - I was being honest, which is much more important to me than being vulnerable. AAAH. What the hell is going on? Part of me is glad I sent the letter though. I'm glad it's gone because if I saved it, I would've never taken the risk. Instability is good practice for me, I guess. AAH.
Whatever.
I still have tons of shit to sort out.
luv, dizz

[a_dizzle: years later, I got to re-read this buried treasure. e-man had saved this priceless document (he's probably going to hang it over my head if I ever become rich and famous, sell on e-bay or some shit so he can make rent), I guess because he considered it a love note or something. It is a document in madness I tell you. I wish I would've stolen it back. Because right now, he still owns it. Unless he burnt it or something since our last rendez-vous. I still would like those earrings back, by the way]
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