I want to write about right now. I want to write about ME. I'm afraid to be proud. I keep bragging and going on and on in my praise and I don't like it but how do I stay proud and have high self-esteem and not be depressed and critical? How can I tell other people about me and my ambitions and talents without bragging? Why can't I ask other people about how they are and how things are in they're lives? That's probably why I don't have any friends and why I attract assholes to me.
These people just make me more depressed and shitty. I DESERVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS. Relationships are what humans tick. It's depressing when the only individuals you attract are scummy irrational assholes.
Whether E Man is one, I don't know. I can't hold it against him for not liking me but I can hold:
1) The mall - all time low [a_dizzle: we were supposed to hang out together, got on the bus together to go see 'Deep Impact' of all movies, he can't call his mom, tell her to pick him up afterwards. Gets back on bus, goes to Round Rock. I cry in the mall when he leaves. Repeat: I cried in Highland Mall. HIGHLAND MALL!!!]
2)the telephone [a_dizzle: just always always bad on the phone]
3) The visiting girl, Molly, Andrea 1 and 2.
The cons really outweigh the pros. Here's lets list them for journal-keeping's sake:
he's funny, friendly, attractive, 'cool'
made me feel beautiful, cool, important
noticed ME out of everyone
he asked questions about ME, listened
felt strong connection existed
1st guy I liked that showed interest in me
white -> black [a_dizzle: I remember when I first gave him my number my friend Ari goes - 'Why would he want to call you?' and I'm like 'Duh, he likes me' and he's like 'Why?']
showed initial interest
invited me to stuff
made me feel alone, dejected, depressed, ugly
only talked to me when he wanted
kept separate from friends
never called when said would
distance and separation
never showed up
looked at other girls with that eye
alot of times not responsible
played fucking hackey-sac to get away from me [a_dizzle: the nerve!]
flirted with other girls right in front of me
ignored me constantly
never wrote back, ETC
[a_dizzle: oh sister, that ain't everything - -
he's a vegetable cutter
his car door doesn't open
he can't play guitar
he doesn't read books, like ever
he's not as smart as me
he's not as funny as me
he doesn't wear underwear anymore
he wears fitted pants now
he's an egotistical playa playa play
he doesn't ride a skateboard anymore (sigh)
and - - he doesn't make noise in bed. that always weirded me out. are you sleeping? are you awake? are you alive? will you make SOME NOISE!?!]
It was like once I noticed him liking me, he decided he didn't like me anymore. I felt so dejected and alone and ugly and fat.
HE NEVER KISSED ME!
It just never felt right!
He left me at lunch alone, while he went off with friends, not inviting me. Never showed up at proposed meeting. Constant struggle to be cool enough and pretty enough. WHATEVER - WHATEVER!!!
Don't invest in ill-fated relationships, you've seen it's not meant to be [a_dizzle: fucking wish I really listened to myself at 15.]
He would love me
shouldn't care what I look like; he'd still love me
wants to be with me, wants to know me
allows me to be myself, ugly, fat, what have you, has respect for me
commits his time to me, keeps commitments, trustworthy, listens to me, respects boundaries, ETC
is honest, open, lovable, caring, funny
HE CALLS WHEN HE SAYS HE WILL
I should be happy, safe, joyful, excited to see him, want to know him, be with him, crave getting to know him better, should be fun, willing to invest a lot into
NOT willing to compromise for, work for lasting relationship, flattered he noticed me, dreading our next encounter, vulnerable, I should not be miserable, lonely, depressed, confused!!!, sad, crying
It's like I'm more thankful and flattered he noticed me. Slightly questioned why but why should I be attracted to that? He likes me for a week, so I like him? No.
Obviously no strong connection! What do I know about him? Only but what I've seen/experienced and nothing extremely memorable or important.
So my crush notices me! Invites me over, asks me questions, wants to take my picture. I hesitate, then through HUMILIATION show him I like him too. Incident after incident. Everything is wrong.
Dizzlita is not happy. Dizzlita is miserable.
This is not love.
My heart is just as smart as my brain. It's not healthy. So let's move on.
In three days we rendezvous. What to do?
Thought I'd dress all cool and be all cool goose, ignore him, avoid him.
WHAT TO DO?
How to convey I'm not interested. I'm getting over it. Without anger, sarcasm, etc. Poo to you. It's your loss. You'll regret making me feel this way. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? You'll want a second chance, you'll beg and plead but NO! You had your chance, no second time around. NO WAY JOSE!!!
Or. So whatcha gonna do? What's the next move. You hurt me. I'm upset about this. I don't want to be around you anymore. You make me feel bad about myself. I want to feel good about myself. I have no time for this anymore. I don't think you are a nice guy after all [a_dizzle: OH MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I READ THIS SHIT BEFORE!] You're not a slimy creep but your not someone I want to be friends with.
OR. I don't want to be with you but NO ONE ELSE can have you. I'm afraid to face you, I want you to like me. I want a relationship with you. I want a RELATIONSHIP. I want to be loved. I WANT SEX. I want kisses. But I don't think I want you. I'm not sure. You're cute but do I still like you? Maybe this year will be different, maybe you'll prove me wrong - you'll make up for everything???
You don't want to be around him. But you want to be nice. What if he hugs you? Flirts? How you respond? Do you respond? You want to concentrate on school and friends that matter.
But you also want a boyfriend.