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Sunday, May 28th, 2000

Subject:[a_dizzle: note in this entry how I try not to talk about e-man, but then do anyway]
Time:6:21 pm.
I've graduated at the top of my class - yup! Valedictorian!
I got into Sarah Lawrence College on scholarship, won 2nd place in the national poetry in schools contest. And E-man is supposedly still in love with me. Whateva. Forgettaboutit. E-man is the least of my concerns at this moment. I'm of course, curious to see how he is. To see me and him, one year later. I've grown CONSIDERABFUCKINGLY. So maybe he has too. . . who knows?

I've decided that E-Man is on "I will always loves you," "We both know - I'm not what you need," "So I wish you joy and happiness and above all I wish you loooooove -

BOOM . . . etc" terms.

My feelings will probably never change but the degree of intensity has certainly weakened.

NEW YORK! Wow - - wow.
I konw it will take me where I want to go. I'll trust that it will be where I need to be. I just imagine that it will really enhance my knowledge and expand my experience and I will continue to grow as an actor, writer, and director. So that by college graduation, I'll be ready for professional theater, a talent agency, etc - - who knows?

Now, I left high school without ever going on a date or having a real boyfriend. Hopefully in college I'll expand my love life from hibernating stage to awakened stage. [a_dizzle: ha ha]

I've never even been on a date. I think I scare boys. But I think that when the right one takes time to see into my soul, just a teensy bit - they'll love me and deeply too. I know that I have the ability to truly, deeply love but I've never had the chance to even practice it.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, May 31st, 1999

Subject:I WROTE HIM A FUCKING LETTER!!!!
Time:6:11 pm.
So now I feel vulnerable . . . here I am trying really hard to accept my vulnerability. I am afraid to be laughed at. That's it. I realize the lunacy of myself and I just don't want him to laugh at me. Tomorrow he'll probably read the letter. What will happen next? What do I want to happen next? Who gives a fuck - - what I want to happen won't. No use in doing all that analysis to find out that what I want I can't have. The letter isn't bad or anything. In parts its really nice, really real, and at other times really cheesy. But it's honest. There. Think of that. Honesty is stronger than vulnerability. No one wants to be vulnerable, right? That's admitting you aren't strong. It shouldn't mean that. It should create an appropriate balance. So - - I was being honest, which is much more important to me than being vulnerable. AAAH. What the hell is going on? Part of me is glad I sent the letter though. I'm glad it's gone because if I saved it, I would've never taken the risk. Instability is good practice for me, I guess. AAH.
Whatever.
I still have tons of shit to sort out.
luv, dizz

[a_dizzle: years later, I got to re-read this buried treasure. e-man had saved this priceless document (he's probably going to hang it over my head if I ever become rich and famous, sell on e-bay or some shit so he can make rent), I guess because he considered it a love note or something. It is a document in madness I tell you. I wish I would've stolen it back. Because right now, he still owns it. Unless he burnt it or something since our last rendez-vous. I still would like those earrings back, by the way]
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, November 11th, 1998

Subject:Virgo's Approach to Love
Time:6:06 pm.
[from Astrology book]

- serious
- initially slow to get involved
- highly self-protective, afraid of getting hurt, is a finely tuned mixture of diffident, cautious and critical
- doesn't bounce back easily from heartaches or betrayal [a_dizzle: WORD]
- can be consumed by hurt, anger, and bitterness that can affect her for the rest of her life
-strong sense of self-protectedness will see to it that next time she will have much more control
- values her mind and spirit, knows losing those aren't a requirement for love

Occasionally a man will come that reflects her irrational shadow side and often when this happens she doesn't have the time to know what hit her. The reasonable side tries to fight it or protect but resistance gives more power to the enchantment resulting in obsession [a_dizzle: E-Man]. However, at some point reason will usually regain its hold and it's amazing how quickly love can turn into hate.

- trust is crucial
- keeps a little of herself in reserve in a relationship
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, October 6th, 1998

Subject:E Man Chronicle 2
Time:11:33 pm.
To E Man, here's what I want to say:

I'm tired of the tension between us. I watch you and you clearly stay away from me as much as possible and you don't talk to me like you do with other people. I'm tired of being ignored.

I want you in my life but I'm not sure where I want you. It terrifies me that I can't understand and analyze this. I want to be your friend, just a normal peachy keen friend but I think that's pretty much impossible.

Maybe we should've talked more about our feelings - well I should at least be made aware of yours. I can be more honest and direct if needed. Maybe you're tired of me, maybe I'm a pest to you and I'm the only one who doesn't see it. You'll spend time with Andrea, a girl you claim to hate, but you won't try to spend time with me?

Your just so confusing to me, I'm trying so hard to understand and shutting me out doesn't help me any to understand you. Argh. I wish this was easier but GOD if you're just trying not to hurt my feelings say so, just say whatever. I'm almost ready to take it. Because not knowing anything just aggravates me.

Maybe you like Amy now and want to invest time into that and I'm cramping your style. JUST GOD, say something to me. Besides 'hey what's up' or 'bye' or 'hi.'

Is it your friends that you're worried about. Is it because I'm not this pot queen chick that you can't associate with me?

Do you hate me, like me, love me? What? Tell me. Maybe you just don't have room in your life for me. If your social scene is so important to you, perhaps any interferences are deleted.

AAAAAAAAAAHH!

Kiss me.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, August 4th, 1998

Subject:And so it began . . . [E Man Chronicle 1]
Time:11:05 pm.
I want to write about right now. I want to write about ME. I'm afraid to be proud. I keep bragging and going on and on in my praise and I don't like it but how do I stay proud and have high self-esteem and not be depressed and critical? How can I tell other people about me and my ambitions and talents without bragging? Why can't I ask other people about how they are and how things are in they're lives? That's probably why I don't have any friends and why I attract assholes to me.

These people just make me more depressed and shitty. I DESERVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS. Relationships are what humans tick. It's depressing when the only individuals you attract are scummy irrational assholes.

Whether E Man is one, I don't know. I can't hold it against him for not liking me but I can hold:

1) The mall - all time low [a_dizzle: we were supposed to hang out together, got on the bus together to go see 'Deep Impact' of all movies, he can't call his mom, tell her to pick him up afterwards. Gets back on bus, goes to Round Rock. I cry in the mall when he leaves. Repeat: I cried in Highland Mall. HIGHLAND MALL!!!]

2)the telephone [a_dizzle: just always always bad on the phone]

3) The visiting girl, Molly, Andrea 1 and 2.

The cons really outweigh the pros. Here's lets list them for journal-keeping's sake:

PROS
he's funny, friendly, attractive, 'cool'
made me feel beautiful, cool, important
noticed ME out of everyone
he asked questions about ME, listened
flirted, teased
was smart
felt strong connection existed
1st guy I liked that showed interest in me
white -> black [a_dizzle: I remember when I first gave him my number my friend Ari goes - 'Why would he want to call you?' and I'm like 'Duh, he likes me' and he's like 'Why?']
showed initial interest
invited me to stuff

CONS
drinking, smoking
made me feel alone, dejected, depressed, ugly
only talked to me when he wanted
kept separate from friends
never called when said would
distance and separation
never showed up
looked at other girls with that eye
alot of times not responsible
played fucking hackey-sac to get away from me [a_dizzle: the nerve!]
flirted with other girls right in front of me
ignored me constantly
never wrote back, ETC
[a_dizzle: oh sister, that ain't everything - -
ugly tattoo
DWI
he's a vegetable cutter
his car door doesn't open
he can't play guitar
he doesn't read books, like ever
he's not as smart as me
he's not as funny as me
he lies
he doesn't wear underwear anymore
he wears fitted pants now
he's an egotistical playa playa play
he doesn't ride a skateboard anymore (sigh)
and - - he doesn't make noise in bed. that always weirded me out. are you sleeping? are you awake? are you alive? will you make SOME NOISE!?!]

It was like once I noticed him liking me, he decided he didn't like me anymore. I felt so dejected and alone and ugly and fat.

HE NEVER KISSED ME!
It just never felt right!

He left me at lunch alone, while he went off with friends, not inviting me. Never showed up at proposed meeting. Constant struggle to be cool enough and pretty enough. WHATEVER - WHATEVER!!!

Don't invest in ill-fated relationships, you've seen it's not meant to be [a_dizzle: fucking wish I really listened to myself at 15.]

HE!!!

He would love me
shouldn't care what I look like; he'd still love me
wants to be with me, wants to know me
allows me to be myself, ugly, fat, what have you, has respect for me
commits his time to me, keeps commitments, trustworthy, listens to me, respects boundaries, ETC
is honest, open, lovable, caring, funny
HE CALLS WHEN HE SAYS HE WILL

I!!!!

I should be happy, safe, joyful, excited to see him, want to know him, be with him, crave getting to know him better, should be fun, willing to invest a lot into
NOT willing to compromise for, work for lasting relationship, flattered he noticed me, dreading our next encounter, vulnerable, I should not be miserable, lonely, depressed, confused!!!, sad, crying

It's like I'm more thankful and flattered he noticed me. Slightly questioned why but why should I be attracted to that? He likes me for a week, so I like him? No.

Obviously no strong connection! What do I know about him? Only but what I've seen/experienced and nothing extremely memorable or important.

So my crush notices me! Invites me over, asks me questions, wants to take my picture. I hesitate, then through HUMILIATION show him I like him too. Incident after incident. Everything is wrong.

Dizzlita is not happy. Dizzlita is miserable.

This is not love.

My heart is just as smart as my brain. It's not healthy. So let's move on.

In three days we rendezvous. What to do?

Thought I'd dress all cool and be all cool goose, ignore him, avoid him.

WHAT TO DO?

How to convey I'm not interested. I'm getting over it. Without anger, sarcasm, etc. Poo to you. It's your loss. You'll regret making me feel this way. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? You'll want a second chance, you'll beg and plead but NO! You had your chance, no second time around. NO WAY JOSE!!!

Or. So whatcha gonna do? What's the next move. You hurt me. I'm upset about this. I don't want to be around you anymore. You make me feel bad about myself. I want to feel good about myself. I have no time for this anymore. I don't think you are a nice guy after all [a_dizzle: OH MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I READ THIS SHIT BEFORE!] You're not a slimy creep but your not someone I want to be friends with.

OR. I don't want to be with you but NO ONE ELSE can have you. I'm afraid to face you, I want you to like me. I want a relationship with you. I want a RELATIONSHIP. I want to be loved. I WANT SEX. I want kisses. But I don't think I want you. I'm not sure. You're cute but do I still like you? Maybe this year will be different, maybe you'll prove me wrong - you'll make up for everything???

You don't want to be around him. But you want to be nice. What if he hugs you? Flirts? How you respond? Do you respond? You want to concentrate on school and friends that matter.

But you also want a boyfriend.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, July 18th, 1997

Subject:some quotes
Time:5:48 pm.
' je me verrai, je me lirai, je m'extasrerai et je dirai: possible que j'ai eu tant d'esprit'

i shall look at myself, i shall red myself, i shall delight myself and I shall say: can I really have so much wit? [a_dizzle: the congugation of delight oneself does NOT look right though]

'it est indigne des grandes coeurs de repandre le trouble qu'ils ressentent'

it is unworthy of great spirits to spread abroad the agitation they feel.

'pulchrum est paucorum bominum'

beauty is for the few.

'every great pain, whether physical or mental declares what it is we deserve, for it could not have come upon us if we had not deserved it.' - schopenhauer
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, June 30th, 1997

Subject:Quotes
Time:10:51 pm.
More quotes:

Sexy underwear is like foreplay. - Tom Jones

You're not crazy, you're rich. - Ed McMahon

If, if, if. If grandpa didn't have balls he'd be grandma. Flora, The Real World.

I'm having fun, it's so cool. I already broke my hand. - Boy at 97 Lollapalooza

Hell, Madonna was shy until I told her to wear her drawers on the outside and hello to bill, Mr. Dollar Bill. Figgy Foster, MTV commercial.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, April 28th, 1997

Subject:Ha.
Time:4:03 pm.
So you thought I left you, didn't you? Well I'm almost all grownup, 14 and in high school. This journal has served both as a comic relief [a_dizzle: you have no idea] and a wakeup call. I was pretty selfish and as dumb as hell! I've tried to change my ways and be a more responsible thoughtful character.

I must tell you that 95 and 94 were hard years for me - I was in a constant struggle with myself - unsure of my identity and place in my life. Sure this is all dumb and in another two years I'll laugh my ass off [a_dizzle: we'll laugh our asses off]. Shut up.

I still am searching for my identity. I suppose. But atleast I've gained some sanity.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, April 17th, 1997

Subject:Fashion Statement
Time:8:12 pm.
I can't bottle it up anymore. Argh! My mother is being so bitchy in the morning. She says my clothes are too thrifty-looking! My dress is such a 'fashion statement!' She says that she's taking me to Ross to buy some name-brand clothes! YUCK! I'll probably just buy a scarf, some sunglasses and some underwear. Or if they have some good slacks in the men's department.

I like my clothes - she should be glad I'm not some flashy-whore. I keep my 'shade' parts concealed, I wear clean clothes although not new or plastered with American Trademarks.

I could be a lot of bad things but I'm not. I could be smoking, and drinking and sneaking into R-rated movies and riding around at 1,000 miles per hour in Lorena's car. But I'm not/don't/haven't! She should appreciate my sincere honesty and obedience and LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

I follow her strict rules so she should be able to put up with my clothes. AMEN!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 15th, 1997

Subject:Ten years from now
Time:5:39 pm.
I will be either a famous director or a famous author. At my side will be my four year old adopted Chinese daughter- Fajita Chong. I'll drive up in my faux leopard print '73 mustang and be dressed in a 40's dress. I'll be single but successful. I'll own Loo Loo Enterprises and have 30 colors of nailpolish in my nail polish line 'Minka-Poo.' My best friends Kim, Gordon, Thurston Moore, etc will be happily waiting for me at my million dollar mansion. Also my loving cats Kim and Fifi. I will dress Fajita in beautiful 60's gons and vintage jeans from my store - 'The Si' [a_dizzle: in 8th grade, at this over-night science thang, we got to sleep in the school and we found this one classroom that was left open, where we drank gin from a thermos that this kid had stolen from his parent's liquor cabinet. we called this room, the si.]
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, February 10th, 1997

Time:5:29 pm.
Mood:hamlet-esque.
I've come to that point of life again where I feel sorry for people and where I become openingly optimistic and hopeful for outcomes not ever able to be possible. (Sigh)

I'm worthless and pathetic. What do I have to show, to prove that I actually exist? A barren soul poured out on paper? A rotten carcass drowning in a black coffin? [a_dizzle: I am sooo Hamlet here. Something's rotten in the state of Texas] A social security card with my name stamped on it? Ugh no no no no no no no NO.

I'm happy but I've got absolutely no reason to be. I feel like all my life I've been a follower - skeleton girl walking home all by herself, cheated out of friendships and promises. Ugh.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, January 5th, 1997

Subject:Tomorrow-Today - a poem
Time:5:35 pm.
i've tried to be courteous
and i've tried to be clean
but my fingers are bloody
and frozen
and ripped at the seams,
and torn through the rain.

if this is oblivion
then bring on the pain
washing civil hands
with civil soap
does nothing for me
and has no cares

ha look at me
with my unfocused vision
and strained soul
pathetic

i want my stellar wings
and a cotton tiara
i whine my empty sorrows
to my drousy pea soup
golden tears always bring up the stakes
and raise holy hatrd
but I'm armed with a gun
and I have some trash for bait
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, January 1st, 1997

Subject:Untitled poem
Time:5:23 pm.
[a_dizzle: this is from my weird poetry stage. not weird as in it's weird I was writing poetry, but weird as in this shit is fucking weird.]

Happy holidays to you
you can kiss my ass!
radio killed the video star
ha you insane piece of meat
rabble and rumble in your lost diamond kitchen
because soda isn't staple anymore
karoake crossed lovers
broken by the vows of their parents
and two shots of whiskey
and divorce papers glued to your soul.

[a_dizzle: see? and I didn't even start doing drugs until college!]
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, November 23rd, 1996

Subject:Los Stupidos - a song
Time:5:18 pm.
Drown myself to sleep
Got my sanity to keep
Won't you take me away
In a boat of clay [a_dizzle: or a puddle of mudd?]

People are so blind
Never searching to find
Sour mouths, salty tears
Lots of wine, lots of beers

CHORUS
Mirror me, Mirror You
Monkey See, Monkey Do
Mirror you, Mirror me
Monkey do, monkey see

Stop giving me these labels
It's time to turn the tables
Who are you now?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, November 21st, 1996

Subject:'Go Die in Suburbia Hell'
Time:5:03 pm.
Mood: depressed.
I got my haircut two days ago and now I feel sad. It may just be today ... well this morning at least. I feel like an alien. I don't think guys like me anymore ... but I hope it's not because I look more 'black' now. My mom said I looked like a model but I feel like a clown. Besides my mother thinks I look like Aphrodite no matter what. This is depressing. Very depressing. Oh well. Ugh tomorrow will be torturous. I feel so ugly right now - so very ugly. I think that today is going to be a big shit day. yeah. I feel dumb, too. And isolated. Which I feel often.

Hey! If guys don't like me because I don't have straight long hair then FUCK them. GO DIE IN SUBURBIA [a_dizzle: think I meant 'suburban'} HELL! I wish there were guys who didn't care about looks, they cared about personality. But I guess my personality is kind of dull right now. I feel dull, maybe I am. Wow I am so insecure today. Gee this is awful. Fine Grape, don't say hi when you pass me [a_dizzle: code name for bridget?]. I don't exist remember? Invisible me with a bad haircut. Fine, fine, fine.

GRRRRR. I want a hat. And I want my Arizona Green Tea with Honey and Ginseng. Ginseng was going to be the name of a band that Julia and I were going to form. But now Julia and I aren't friends anymore - I mean shit, we haven't talked in four months! She turned into this loud obnoxious Blair wannabe. And I probably turned into this quiet, boring, annoying? poet. Fine, fine, fine.

I wish I could go home, sleep, and wake up on the 'better side' of the bed, whichever side that may be. Great I have a whole period to write my depressing life into this journal. Suburbia Hell is a great title. So is Spatula, and High Society Grime. I'm going to make three songs and give them those titles.

My fingers are ugly. Now I'm in study. There are 3 idiot boys in here. They are making ugly noises. Shut up. Shut up. Stupid, stupids. Maybe they are just brainless and when they were born the doctors replaced their brains with helium balloons.

I think I'm starting to feel a wee bit better. Maybe not though. I miss how my hair used to fall on my desk when I tilted my head downwards. And I miss hiding behind it when I felt uncomfortable. And I miss trying to find new hairstyles with it on Saturdays and Sundays. Fare well, farewell dear friend I knew too well, farewell, farewell.

There is this girl here who seems so snobby. She is only nice to people who give her cigarettes and even then it's for about a minute. I suppose you are better than us huh missy? Grr!

Bitter, bitter, bitter, sour, fake, depressed, dark, disgusting me. I also want some camomille tea. Mmm and I want some Yogi tea. Yum, yum.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, November 19th, 1996

Subject:"I feel like a storm"
Time:4:58 pm.
Mood:stormy.
I don't like today at all. I feel very lonely. And I feel like a storm. I really really want to be happy. But it's weird. I get to school and I feel all happy but then once I'm there for about two minutes I feel desolated and depressed. I don't understand why people are so cranky about cigarettes. I think I really hate cigarettes, but maybe I'd like to smoke Native American Spirit cigarettes. They smell fantastic!

I wish that I could go home and pet my cat Tiptoe and sleep and listen to the Pixies and Sonic Youth. I'm going to be nice to people I hate now. Because sometimes I think that I am a really mean person. And sometimes I am.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, November 8th, 1996

Time:6:17 pm.
Xo,
Sorry but I don't like you. You didn't do anything, it's just that I realized today that I'd rather be good friends, okay? Today went well, huh? I smiled and talked. That's a good sign.

Ok. Bye.

love, dizzlita or xa

ps - plus if getting drunk every weekend sounds like fun to you . . . then you definitely aren't my type.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, November 5th, 1996

Subject:quote
Time:6:13 pm.
"Little thorn in my soul, pebble in my shoe, jewel of my life, the passionate doll who has torn my heart in two, tell me, cruel beauty that I adore, why you torment me." - sandra cisneros, Tin Tan Tan

I adore that sentence so much I had to write it. I don't feel so much like S-boy [a_dizzle: fuck, don't remember the code names! guessing this is xo {aka yammers}] is tormenting me butt in a way I do. I think that's maybe why I like it. Besides it's really beautiful and makes me want to scream.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, November 1st, 1996

Subject:Truly Idiotic - for Xo
Time:6:01 pm.
Mood:idiotic.
Oh why am I such an idiot? I acted like such an asshole!! I really care about you and I think you are great and really nice; I just get a weird mood around you. But I do definitely like you a l ot. I just aaah! I need to be myself because the real Dizzlita isn't a mean sarcastic fool! Next time I promise to be myself okay? I really do. I'll smile and when I say something I'll mean it. You are such a caring person towards someone you barely know. That's what makes me like you so much. You have a true pure heart.
It is I that is the fool [a_dizzle: and you juliet, are the moon]. Not you. No no. Oh great things could happen if only . . .

yeah I am such a dope! I'm sorry. I'm really a nice, caring person. Next week you'll see. I promise. oh oh oh oh oh. I feel so bad. I am truly idiotic when I don't think. Sorry - I am rambling like a - guess what . . . idiot.

I can't describe it. I thinkn that I am being myself, it feels like me, but it isn't, it's my evil twin mutant bitch. so sorry. gulp. I hope you like the real me. I think you might. Okay, bye.

love, dizzlita
[a_dizzle: i think this was about code name yammers? not eman cuz i met him beginning of my sophomore year]
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, October 27th, 1996

Subject:Thoughts
Time:5:52 pm.
I think I do write entirely too much. But it's like a water tap when you put your finger over it, ready to bursts. I feel like yelling, screaming, singing but instead I write. Today I found some cool pictures for this journal's sequel [titled] Vitamin C and Potato Chips. Yay. I wish I wasn't so weird today.

Oh yeah I know I write a shitload on stupid people - - but I kinda am stupid too but in a different light. I'm really sensitive inside and I'm stubborn and artistic. I hide my sensitive side under a 'tough act.' But only around guys. It's weird because I've done it all my life.

It's 9:21. I'm waiting for Seinfeld to come on TV. Yay. I adore that show. It makes me think and laugh.

I think I really like this guy but I might also hate him. Isn't that weird. I know I don't write about guys that much in the lovey dovey sense. Sorry if that's what you wanted to read go watch Melrose Place. I just am not boy-crazy like I was in 6th grade. Sorry.

I hate soap opera. I never did watch one and like it. They just aren't my style.

Actually, back to guys - I think/say sometimes that I have a certain style and that I hate blondes for example. Then I always end up finding a blond I like. I just like individual, artistic, funny guys, I guess. And nice ones.
Comments: Add Your Own.

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